Helped, heard, or hugged

Last year, I stumbled upon the “Helped Heard Hugged” framework, which has been eye-opening and changed the way I approach certain conversations in my personal life. 

To start, I will admit that I am a “fixer”. When a close friend or family member comes to me with a grievance, my gut reaction is to immediately start thinking of ways to fix it. In the professional world, this is usually thought of as a positive trait. But when you bring this to your personal life, it’s not always as much of a slam-dunk. There have been times where I’ve offered solutions that seemed to be sure-fire ways to resolve the issue at hand, but wouldn’t get the response I would’ve expected from the other party. I’d be met with resistance to the solution or even slight annoyance that I would even offer such a suggestion.  

It took me a while to realize that sometimes the way I showed up for the other person wasn’t the exact way they were looking for at the time. 

The “Helped Heard Hugged” framework is a useful method that many people use in order to get clarity on what the other person needs from you in that moment in time: 

When someone comes to you with a grievance, you can ask: “would you like to be helped, heard, or hugged?” 

• Helped: Unpack the problem and offer practical solutions 

• Heard: Listen actively and allow the other person the vent and validate their feelings

• Hugged: Offer a hug and reassurance 

Obviously, it can be a bit weird and robotic to ask the question every single time your loved one comes to you with a problem. You can sort of get a feel for what they need after a while given their tone, demeanor, among other indicators. 

This framework has acted as a bit of a triage for me to stop and pause to think about how I can best support the other person. I’ve found it to be a helpful reminder to myself that not everyone needs solutions all the time. Sometimes all they need is to vent and feel heard (and maybe a hug!). 

P.S. Ian is adamant the framework should be modified to be HHHT: Helped, Heard, Hugged…Treat 🍦